ANOTHER KOOL-AID GAMBIT

The Morning Call has had enough

That’s it.  We quit.  We refuse to play along for even one second more.

We get it.  Ha, ha.  Joke’s on us.  Yuck it up, everybody.  We deserve it, we guess.  But as we said, we’re done.  You can carry on your little political spoof thingy without us.

You know what your fatal mistake was?  Same as everyone else’s.  You got greedy.  You couldn’t help yourselves.  You saw how we bit on the little things, the medium things, and some of the big things.  And you got overconfident and blew the gag.

You saw, for example, that we bit when you had this dopey woman (i.e. the Energy Secretary) say that we “don’t know fully” that climate change caused the collapse of the Surfside Condominium building in suburban Miami.

You saw that we also bit when one of the major television networks insisted that the Taliban’s resurgence wasn’t President Biden’s fault, or former President Obama’s fault, or even Trump, Bush, and Cheney’s fault (directly at least) and that the real culprit in the Taliban’s re-rise to power was…climate change!

You noticed how gullible we were when “Defense Secretary” Lloyd Austin insisted that the three major issues facing the U.S. military were “climate change,” “countering violent extremists in the military,” and “team work with allies and agencies.”

But…then you started to get a little too bold.  You thought there was nothing we wouldn’t believe.  Our spidey-sense started to tingle a bit when we saw the story with the headline that read: “James Madison University labels ‘heteroromantic’ Christian men ‘oppressor group.’”  We grew a little more suspicious after the story about “A number of academics [who] are calling restrictions on pit bull ownership, and the general view that pit bulls are dangerous, a product of racism.”  And we practically laughed out loud when you wanted us to believe the story published by “Forbes” by a “science” writer who insisted that “Speaking English May Spread More Coronavirus Than Some Other Languages.” 

Seriously.  How dumb do you think we are?

We know that it’s not possible for American Frickin’ University (AFU) to think it’s a racially positive idea literally to segregate freshman classes into black and non-black sections.  We almost bought it when we saw the story about the teachers’ college at Oregon State University hosting a seminar on “Confronting Systemic Whiteness.”  Having the half-wits in the teachers’ college host the event was both hilariously spot on but also obviously way over the top.  It was too spot on, if you know what we mean.

The straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back, however, was the tweet from Jennifer Rubin.
As an aside, we think the Rubin character is brilliant.  It took guts, and it would have been easy to flub it and be too spot on again.  But you really played it just right.  It was depressing and hilarious at the same time, unbelievable yet totally believable.  Or at least it was until the tweet comparing Biden and his handling of Afghanistan to Oscar Schindler and the Jewish lives he saved during the Holocaust.

C’mon.  That’s almost insulting.

Anyway, you know, once upon a time, we thought we had this all figured out.  We understood that there was some sort of game afoot.  We just weren’t entirely clear about the ends – or the target.  Almost exactly 23 years ago, we looked at the “Democratic” <wink, wink> president who was forcing the Democrats publicly to embrace positions that would otherwise seem absurd – like, for instance, that it’s OK to have an affair with an unpaid intern, as long as you do “not have sexual relations with that woman;” or that it’s OK to lie under oath to a federal grand jury, as long as the lie was about sex, or that the official position of feminists everywhere Is that powerful men are, always and everywhere, entitled to one free grope – as long as they are pro-Choice, that is.

Of course, back then, we thought that the joke was on the Democrats, that the ruse – or the gambit, if you prefer – was a Republican idea.  In a September 1998 piece called “The Kool-Aid Gambit,” we wrote:

Spotted as an enterprising, ambitious, and unusually intelligent young lad by a cabal of right-wing Arkansas dirt farmers during his days as a boy running the rough and rowdy streets of Hot Springs, Arkansas, with its bawdy houses and gambling dens, Bill was meticulously groomed for the difficult task of someday taking control of the Democratic party and then destroying it. 

Like Mrs. Clinton, we do not know all the details of the plot, and some of what we do know we can’t reveal out of fear for our lives.  But ever since Bill’s role in this conspiracy was revealed to us by an ancient Republican sage on his deathbed in a cave in Tibet, we have known that despite the danger to ourselves, we must tell our loyal readers the facts.

To those on the right who are angry at us for revealing this conspiracy to destroy their foe, we simply note that the circumstantial evidence of Bill’s fifth column work is so overwhelming that it would inevitably have come to the public’s attention anyway….


We went on to recount the electoral damage Clinton had done to his party, the intellectual damage he had done to the Progressive movement, and the spiritual damage he had done to feminism.  He had been a godsend for Republicans in so many ways that it wasn’t hard to imagine that it was all part of a master plot.

Back then, we were still naïve enough to think that the parties were real things and that one or the other of them might actually care about governing the country for the good of the country.  Yeah, yeah.  We know.  Pretty stupid.  It’s just it never occurred to us that they could all be in it just for the accumulation and exercise of raw power and the psychological and emotional manipulation of the people.  We guess we should have listened to our old friend Bob Feinberg, who always said “Whenever I think I’m too cynical, I realize…I’m not cynical enough.”

So, as we said, we’re done.  We know now that it’s all a big game and that none of it really matters.  So you can keep your AOC and Rashida Tlaib calling for the Fed to be “re-imagined” to promote climate and social justice.  And you can keep your college deans who believe that “diversity of thought” will screw up their plans to indoctrinate kids.  We’re not buying it anymore.  We’re not going to play along.

We have better things to do.  For example, that air conditioning injustice we mentioned before isn’t just gonna take care of itself. Somebody’s gotta do something….

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